Ma vue plongeante sur le string de Flavie Flament

Il se passe toujours des trucs incroyables en août dans ma petite épicerie trouvillaise. L’été dernier, c’est le 10 août qu’un guérisseur du cru m’a marabouté pour le restant de mes jours avec son pendule. Depuis, je cherche un endroit où je n’ai pas mal… Hier soir – le 11 août donc – c’est une aventure totalement différente, mais tout aussi bouleversante, qui m’est arrivée. J’attendais tranquillement dans la queue, dehors, pour acheter à l’étalage des tomates en grappe, quelques abricots pour n°2 et des pommes acides. Soudain, je reconnais là, juste devant moi… Flavie Flament et son amoureux, machin.

Il se passe toujours des trucs incroyables en août dans ma petite épicerie trouvillaise. L’été dernier, c’est le 10 août qu’un guérisseur du cru m’a marabouté pour le restant de mes jours avec son pendule. Depuis, je cherche un endroit où je n’ai pas mal… Hier soir – le 11 août donc – c’est une aventure totalement différente, mais tout aussi bouleversante, qui m’est arrivée. J’attendais tranquillement dans la queue, dehors, pour acheter à l’étalage des tomates en grappe, quelques abricots pour n°2 et des pommes acides. Soudain, je reconnais là, juste devant moi… Flavie Flament et son amoureux, machin.

(…)

Je cherche d’abord le paparazzi qui va immortaliser la scène à la « une » de Voicer ou de Closi ; mais l’étroite rue des bains ne permet pas aisément de planquer. Donc, apparemment, pas de paparazzi à l’horizon.

En plus, figurez-vous qu’exceptionnellement Flavie n’a pas les seins à l’air !

Perdu dans mes pensées, je patiente donc tranquillement tandis que le couple achète ses fruits et légumes lorsque Flavie aperçoit un bébé dans une poussette, garée devant l’épicerie. Et Flavie, un bébé dans une poussette, ça la rend totalement courge.

Elle s’agenouille donc et là…

Pantalon taille basse sans ceinture + agenouillage intempestif = débordage de string + fesses à l’air.

Là, d’un coup, devant chez Ahmed l’épicier, le fameux dilemme du journaliste d’investigation confronté à un scoop colossal m’atteint en pleine face !

zbeinkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk !!!!!!

Comme tout bon professionnel, j’ai toujours de quoi photographier sur moi.

Au bas mot – si j’ose dire… – des photos du string et des fesses de Flavie, accroupie à moins de 50 cm de moi, doivent pouvoir se monnayer au moins…

Je réfléchis. Je réfléchis. Je réfléchis.

Trois fois.

Pendant ce temps-là, la maman du nourisson sort de l’épicerie et, folle de joie devant la scène d’anthologie qu’elle découvre – « Flaviiiiiiiiiiiiie penchée sur la poussette de MON bébé ?!!!! Mais si on m’avait dit ça, je ne l’aurais jamais cru !!! Quel bonheur ! » -, elle demande à Flavie de poser avec l’enfant.

Puis elle sort son appareil photo de son sac de commissions.

Flavie – très sympa finalement Flavie – accepte gentiment la proposition. Elle se tord donc en quatre pour poser sa tête dans la poussette à côte de celle du « bébéqu’ilestmignon » !

Du coup, ses fesses et son string s’étalent carrément à la vue de tous. D’ailleurs les passants ne perdent pas une miette du spectacle.

J’en étais là de ma réflexion, la main sur mon appareil, lorsque je me suis soudainement ressaisi.

D’un coup. Comme un électrochoc.

Non, moi guy birenbaum, je ne pouvais pas décemment photographier les fesses et le string de Flavie Flament et me faire des c…..es en or.

Sans compter que vous imaginez ce qu’auraient alors pu dire de moi les autorités morales du net ! [Je me tiens évidemment à leur disposition pour commenter mon acte héroïque. Une interview concernant ma renonciation déterminée au people est même tout à fait envisageable.]

J’ai donc abandonné mon projet fou et j’ai bêtement fait mes courses, en regardant partir le couple avec quelques regrets.

Je suis rentré, non sans avoir dépensé 6 euros 60.

Arrivé à la maison, je raconte la scène vécue à la cantonade. Je suis chaudement félicité « parce qu’on ne photographie pas le cul d’une fille pour gagner du pognon ».

Ragaillardi, me voilà tout bouffi d’estime de moi. Regonflé le guy…

Et puis, là, alors que je cherchais des illustrations sur le net pour illustrer ce post, je suis tombé, par hasard, sur un papier d’Aujourd’hui/Le Parisien dans lequel j’ai lu la petite phrase qui suit…

« Flavie, la star de l’été. Ne cherchez pas, elle n’a pas eu, cette année, un calendrier télé très paillettes. Le pire, c’est que ça ne fait rien. Cet été, la première série de l’animatrice avec son amoureux Pierre Quatrefages en Corse s’est arrachée aux environs de 50 000 € ».

50 000 euros ? Vraiment ?

Mais moi, j’avais au moins de quoi ramener 25 ou 30 000 euros à la maison avec ma vue plongeante sur cette chute de reins… J’aurais pu shooter au moins cinq ou six photos de ce string, et de ce qui le remplit, sans la moindre difficulté !

C’est à ce moment précis, je crois, que j’ai décidé de renoncer définitivement à tous les principes de mon éducation ; comme à ma morale judéo-chrétienne à la noix !

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